It’s so Cold.

It’s so cold, I don’t want to be here

At a nice, 85 degrees outside why is it so cold. Why do feel chills running up my fingers coursing through my veins and freezing my breath.

I crave the warmth with no end to myself. I crave the temporary smiles and the sudden sunshine that flows through.

It’s so cold and I am so tired. I am so tired of smiling and making friends and keeping up appearances. I am so tired.

I am tired of overthinking, and feeling sorry for myself. I am tired of being self destructive and I am tired of the mistakes I keep making

I am tired of myself

I am tired of studying and tired of yearning for a degree that only seems to want to wreck me in the progress.

When they say I want to help people, what if those people don’t want to be helped?

This thankless job seems more and more useless as I get deeper and deeper into its sticky hands.

I am cold and I am tired and at this rate I will not be who I yearn to be.

I will not get to be the woman of my dreams.

Because no 5 year old would have dreamed of this bitter shell of a person their future self has become.

Shock

Have you ever felt the shake of your hands. The information barely processing your mind but all you can do is feel it in every cell of your body.

I dont want to share this with anyone. I don’t want people to pity me, feel bad for the situation I am in or even know the pain I am feeling.

Isn’t pain embarrasing? For someone who feels so much pain I do not want it to be known.

I am just in shock.

Shock that this is happening

Shock that this could even happen.

It feels like a joke and the universe is laughing at me.

I don’t know how to feel, I don’t know how to cope, I don’t know how to act.

In shock.

The happiness in the bleak

I think it’s crazy how emotions fluctuate. One second you’re happy and the other you’re sad. It’s so fleeting and within each emotion we run to try to find it.

Now I’m happy. I don’t know how long it will last or if it will be just this one time thing but i’m cherishing this moment.

Filled with friends, retail therapy, and accomplishment I feel satisfied. I wish I could’ve gotten that 4.0 and have been able to get the A in biochem but at the end of the day I tried my best and was able to get a manage a GPA.

Maybe I shouldve trusted. Whether it was in faith or my own ability to pull through. I lost that trust in the beginning. One grade bringing me to shambles having so much power in me. I thought i was a failure, and was extremely guilty.

That same guilt I hold whispering in my ear that I will be never good enough and that I will never be able to right the fuck up my pasts. When I feel accomplished that voice dulls. Becomes an aching moan instead of a constant screaming. I am able to breathe again and the gears start to unwind.

I know I need to tame it, I know it will wear me down like it has before. But it drives me to be better? It may cost a soul and a half but I accomplish so much with it. Therefore it stays, for now.

But for now I am happy. Whether that is now or forever. In this moment it feels okay..

Pleased,

Sophie Ride

Isn’t it funny

The weight we hold upon ourselves feels like when Atlas had to hold the world upon his head. The burden of my life weighs upon me and makes me feel like I cannot breathe. Not necessarily my life but more like my guilt. My guilt of not being enough, not feeling enough.

Unworthy.

The guilt of disappointment, my standards just reach too high. I push my limits to those that do not exist to help others, and in their eyes showcase a facade of being great.

But who am I? Do I really want this or is this all act.

Guilt has followed me all my life. Being a waste of space, being unworthy of love, simply not doing enough.

My fuck ups in the past follow me and haunt me. I cannot shake them as they crawl and crawl up and about my brain.

How can I stop this feeling? How can I pass past this part in my life or maybe thats my problem.

Always dreaming of the future but the future never comes. Living in a fantasy world without enjoying the present. Maybe because the future which may or may not be bleak feels much better than what I’m in now.  A trap of my own mind, a consequential jail.

Confused and Tired,

Sophie Ride–

Future isn’t bleak

It’s been awhile but it seems like the best time to start this back up.

It’s funny how you go from one end to another. The word happy in my mind ebbs and flows. My life seems like a dream right now. Not being able to put in words the reality I live in. To be honest, I never thought I would be here. Don’t get me wrong. I want to be here, I want this life but I had no trust in myself, no hope to make it happen. Young me was reckless, but full of life. Mistakes were made, lessons were learned and this end goal seemed impossible.

Despair always set in and the feeling of unworthiness was undeniably around the corner.

Now I can tell 5 year old me, drawing that green banana and labeling it a doctor, you are going to be one.

I can tell freshman year me, that that honors counselor who told me I was good for nothing that I am going to be one.

I can tell my dad who had no belief in me that yes, I am going to be one.

I can tell my junior year self, filled with self doubt that I am indeed going to be one.

As I sit typing this up, I definitely don’t have my life figured out like middle school me thought of (some not all).

I am not insanely popular but I do have those who live me

I am not married but I am in love with an amazing man.

I am not fully content, but I am happier than ever.

I am not smart, but the most hardworking I’ve ever been.

Life is a game, and sometimes you are just along for the ride. But it’s definitely worth it.

Stay with me,

Future Doctor Ride

Forever doesn’t exist.

“I love you forever” “you are my everything” “I’ll never leave you”

lies. All lies.

I know I sound like a angry betrayed lover that doesn’t believe in love but thats not nearly right. Quite the opposite actually. I have fallen in and out of love and at the same time beleive theres someone for everyone. But theres a caveat. There may be someone but that someone isn’t permanent.

Your prince charming isn’t going to sweep you off your feet so you can go towards your happily ever after. Mostly because it doesn’t exist. Hear me out before you get angry.

I was never raised around love. Keep in mind the difference, I was raised WITH love but not around it. I know you’re confused, isn’t that the same thing?

No.

My parents loved me, they gave me everything I wanted. Supported my dreams, paid for my college, got me anything I wished for. The big difference in this scenario though is that they didn’t love each other. Stuck in a loveless marriage they struggled to keep in place the facade they threw up to protect me from growing up figuring out that our family was somewhat different.

As a young child, I didn’t realize what the yelling meant or the fact that family vacations were a rarity. I wasn’t aware of the name-calling and the lack of family dinners or the family time in general. The lax presence of my father became a normality to me and the fact that my parents didn’t sleep together never  bothered me.

But as I grew older, the facade started to disappear. Once hushed tones behind a curtain became yelling at the dinner table. It all seemed to flip and my memories became clearer. I started to realize the problems in their marriage, the family structure. It changed my view on marriage and the idea of building a family.

I don’t want to one day wake up in the middle of the night with the man I married out of love, only to find out he doesn’t love me anymore. I don’t want to explain to my children that daddy and mommy aren’t living together anymore. I don’t want to raise children in a broken household.

A broken household.

sometimes forever doesn’t exist,

Sophie Ride

We don’t talk anymore

Summer 16.

I’m back to what was once but nothing is the same.

• Friends
• Family
• Me

I didn’t fully realize the extent to the differences before I came home. I thought maybe I could have some of the same freedoms that I clung on to desperately before I flew 2000 miles away with all my belongings but there is none to be found.

The people I once knew have either grown up or have faded away into the background, ghosts of what they once where.

It’s a chain link of broken friendships and scattered memories. A desert playground that we once played in.

The girl who made me start thinking apologized to me like a girl in confession. Almost as if she thought that I did not know? It got me thinking about how we would have still continued that chain link, or those playground memories if she had not broken my trust. It amazed me how I quickly accepted her apology and moved on.

I myself had changed, I had grown up and this place I called home was now a stranger in a passing train that I may not see ever again.

As someone once told me, once we reach college we are only ever a stranger in our own bed.

 

Till next time,

Sophie Ride

 

 

Near the end

Its approaching, the end of freshman year.

Its creeping up like a snake slithering up to its prey, like the ice on a window, the condensation on a cool cup of shaved ice, its the fear in a man during combat, its the happiness when a man finds out his wife is pregnant

It’s coming and I can’t stop it.

I’m not sure if i’m happy or sad. It’s over i guess I’ve made it through but on the flipside did I actually finish with flying colors? Did I achieve all that I meant to achieve?

No.

And in the darkest of times, as i hold my half empty wine bottle in one hand and my phone in the other I don’t want to see my reflection.

How do they drink to forget when all I do is remember?

Yet again, I am off track but back on.

I’m going to miss my friends first of all, and then the freedom that college has given me? At the same time I miss my family, my dog, and the closest friends I have there.

Its bittersweet, and I don’t have a choice. In literally a month I’ll be off the DC, home sweet home?

Okay side note.

Have you ever felt so left out, so lonely

You finally realize the cons of your negativity, you finally realize the bad things that you’ve done, the ignoring, the “i’m better than everyone”, its not good

You feel stupid, left out less than everyone. But dont you put yourself in that position. Arent you the reason this happens

We’ll figure it out next time folks

 

Till next time,

Sophie Ride

 

 

 

hello, its me.

Apologies all around.

I know I’ve been neglecting this blog for quite some time and even as i open-endedly promised myself over spring break that I would post on this blog every day I seem to have disregarded my so called duty. But as of today I promise to try to write everyday whether small or large.

For starters, Its more than half way through this semester and I’m at a wary stage in my life. I am unsure of what is going on with my grades yet I feel almost steady with them? I feel like I have a good chance of obtaining a strong GPA this semester so the feel of dread that I ended with last semester is long gone. But theres something else. Its the future that looms ahead of me that makes me want to panic. I’m not so sure as my faith in  me unravels as I sense my dropping of my Honors program. Does that judge my worthiness of making it to medical school? Its funny almost. I feel like I’m in a never ending pool of problems barely floating on one of those child floaties calling for the lifeguard yet he seems to never pay attention. In this case would the lifeguard be god? does god even exist? I cant blab on about that or I will be here forever but sometimes through the year I feel my belief wilt and stray away.

It might be because of my parents impending divorce or the fact the money problems seem to get worse and worse. Is it my dogs cancer? or the fact that I should probably get medication for my terrible Anxiety. All of the above.

I’ve come to the realization that life is just a never-ending game and I am always losing in one way or another but when i hit those small jackpots along the way I wish to keep playing.

College is not all depressing. I am so content with my friends and realize that I am blessed in every way. I see my friends blossom and take pride in them and hope to take pride in myself like that one day. Yet sometimes I feel left out for I only have those small group of friends and they seem to have many more? This may account to my inability to reach out so self, keep that in mind.

I’m at moody all by myself and I’ve realize that I have accomplished much more than I ever have. I fancy this alone time yet not loneliness in general.

So long loves, See you tomorrow

Sophie

First Semester=done

the words still feel odd rolling off of my tongue, “I’m in college”

During first semester, I feel like I’ve accomplished it all and in what, three months? From crying over stupid hookups, throwing up my guts after a night out, to making it through finals weeks, and getting a 100 on my paper, it seems so far away. It went by so quick so I only wonder what the next 7 semesters hold for me. I have to say without my solid friend group I would not have made it through what I would call a social anxiety hell hole. The weight between juggling the honors college and my pre-med requirements sometimes made me wonder why I was here in the first place but soon those thoughts dissipated as I looked around me and took a deep breath. I had come to here, to meet these people, and to these things because I had some sort of reason TO be here. I met great people over the past semester, some I was not so fond of, others I immediately fell in awe with but you soon learn that being judgemental in a place where everyone is trying to find their way is possibly the last thing you can do for yourself.

College gave me perspective. I wasn’t that naive goody good two shoes that roamed the halls of her highschool thinking she was better than them all anymore. To err is to be human.  and I learned the true meaning of that. On the way, I realized many things so here goes nothing:

• People make mistakes and college is the right time to fall and pick yourself back up again.
• Learn to love yourself because sometimes all you have is yourself.
• On second thought though, cherish the people you have around you because at the end of the day they’re the ones who are going to love and protective you, they’re you’re family away from home.
• Keep in touch with your friends back home, whether its a happy birthday text, a good luck on finals care package, or a simple how are you over the phone. You need someone to go back to when you’re home
• Pick up that call from your mother, she loves you and all she wants to do is make sure her baby is okay
• Grades don’t define your worth, don’t sit there in the library studying your life away, live a little, drive all the way to austin to go shopping or hang out with some friends, go out and party meet new people
• Don’t be cliquey, this isn’t highschool. Make a variety of friends, you’ll never know when you’ll need them
• Make sure to set aside time for studying, don’t party away your grades. You’re parents placed you here to get an education not to learn how many shots you can take within in an hour without passing out.
• Don’t eat out all the time, dining hall may be the nastiest thing ever but don’t waste your money on late night jimmy johns or order after order or pizza hut
• the freshman 15 is real, i repeat, the freshman 15 is real
• Go hookup with boys, who cares what people think. but be careful some guys are not as kind as others.
• Clean your room, make your bed. Coming back to a messy dorm room is not the most pleasant thing.
• Be friends with your roommate. You live with them so constantly fighting and bickering won’t help you at all. They’re the one who is going to take care of you if you get sick or help you in any way you need at the end of the day.
• Sleep. Pulling all nighters and getting 4 hours is not worth it.You won’t forgive yourself the next morning if you don’t sleep and neither will your body.
• Be cautious. They have a “dont drink the punch” speech for a reason. Always surround yourself with people you know and make sure you have  DD
• Cry. I know you’re like what cry?? Sometimes you just need to let it out when the world is seemingly against you.
• Be selfish. take time for yourself. College can be taxing, mentally and physically.
• Go do the silly freshman things. Who cares if they’re cliche. You’re only a freshman once so enjoy your life.
• and most important of all have fun

college has its ups and downs, but in the end i think i’ve found my place.

keep learning,

Sophie